An Honest Approach: I’m Just Not That Into Him

Today marked a milestone in my newly found single existence. I believe i heard the famous ball drop literally somewhere when I openly admitted to a guy that i wasnt into him.

What is so special about this scenario you say?

Picture pre-relationship me. Single, restless, hoOpenpeful, loveless but ever so accomodating, i’ve made it my mission to find somebody and unfortunately dropped my standards and went out with a couple of men i should have never gone out in the first place. It is hard enough to find a match, we shouldnt get hung up on some details right? wrong! BECAUSE ladies, we deserve to be with a man who we truly admire, emotionally, physcially, mentally. I dont want to find myself in a situation when i have to tell someone I’m not into him a couple of weeks (or god forbid months) down the line. Got the t-shirt, and it aint pretty…

But let me back up a bit and explain about today.

Picture newly single me, heart still healing, in an apartment that is too big for me with a certain finger condition called “i’m so used to texting my bf and now that he is my ex, i’m missing being in contact with someone”So what do i do? i go back to chatrooms. BECAUSE it’s the easiest way to find new people and have a chat with them – no strings attached. And for one more reason.

Tim was a funny, loyal, honest and charming 32-year old fella whom i met a day after signing up to aforementioned chatroom. He pushed to meet up, even though i wasnt too sure that was what i wanted already. 1 week and a half later and my ex’s ex-affair now girlfriend newly found bliss still gives me a sour taste in my mouth so i decided to go the same route and get him back. Childish? probably so. When tim proposed to meet up the same night i didnt veto a meeting but postponed to the next day.

What i was expecting?

Good company, a snog, possibly sex. Yeah i know, i know. Too soon, too sexually risky bla bla bla. BUT – i needed to know. I needed to know if i could still be admired. We met today. For a walk. I was my usual striking self – and he didnt miss to compliment me several times. He even touched me, held me… He wanted it. By the time we walked back from our path i knew one thing however; this will never work. Why?

several reasons: He had 2 kids, he came from another state, he was chubby, he wore shorts and his hands were unattractive. My anti-type for short. Kids never before bothered me but they do now. Clean slate, clean everything. Next relationship will be a clean one (and it feels like it will be soon…).anyway, while Tim was making small talk i took a closer look several times and noticed the above mentioned icky parts plus he had a puss-filled something on his cheek, his hairline was receding and his butt was bigger than mine. Dont get me wrong, he was really sweet but sweet aint cutting it right now. I want pure, animalistic sexual attraction. SO i told him it wont work, short and relatively painless. I thought he would take it well. But he couldnt swallow it.

We walked back to the car in silence (and man it was a long walk) while i tried to comfort him a little but he wouldnt say a word. When it became time to part, i expected a brief kiss or hug or handshake or anything. But he just broke away from me and quietly walked to the other side of the street. And that was it. Ego busted.

Even though i felt bad for him, i felt better about myself. I was true to what i wanted. And it was the right thing to do. The last thing i would need now is a pity fuck. Although any fuck in general would really be nice right about now. I miss the company.

Tonight i’m going out. I’m having all the intention in the world to meet somebody new. I’m not ready for the full blown thing yet, but someone would be great. A friend. With benefits. Amen. Thanks for listening.

 

 

Another one bites the dust

I know I have mentioned him in the past. I am writing this without having gone back, reminding me about my past feelings about him. The fire, the confusion, the deep, deep connection, the first real love of my life, the heartbreak, the acceptance. It’s all in the past now… and another one bites the dust.

How I feel now? Still in turmoil and at the end of an era, I’m only thinking about getting my life back. Sorted and routine. I’ve never been one for too much uncertainty. He needs to leave my life entirely, only then will I be free.

In my heart I feel that the door has been closed. Mr Right Now has left the building for good. And that this is right. Everything worked out the way I prayed it would. I was yearning, I was heard, I was loved, right now became right then and it needed to stop. He cheated. I can’t really say I was surprised. We all do the best we can at all times. We do what we believe is right at any given time or space. And so did he.

And now I will go back to the way I used to be; STRONG, INDEPENDENT, ME, lonely, without direction, a day dreamer. I’m so scared but I feel a sense of a relief and a tinge of hope. Hope, that I will take what I’ve learnt and put it to good use. He taught me many a-things. Virtues, which I never had, developed and I finally became the lover I always hoped I could be one day. The die-hard single girl became the committed, selfless, loving relationship girl. And I thank him for that. He laid a foundation I missed all these years…

I really don’t know what the future will bring. But I now know myself better, the things that I want and the things that I don’t. I’m ready to start from the beginning.

And for some reason I also feel that whatever lies at the end of the tunnel for me; it will be good and tailor-made for me. This whole time I was waiting for my “purpose”, my “direction in life”. What I have missed however is that life is now. That every day that begins, new possibilities and directions lay before me, ready to be ceased. I was looking for something I could never quite find. Maybe I looked at the wrong place. What I’m looking for is not outside of my very being, but is sitting right at its centre; ready to be discovered. All I need to do is to allow and discover it….

 

 

Whirlwind Romance or The Real Deal?

It has been three weeks. Three weeks of dinners, drinks, romantic sunsets, late night cruises and many, many kisses. John and I have been seeing each other and the world has started to turn in a different way. Days seem brighter, life more rich, smells are more intense and my stomach churns in a way that takes away my breath and my appetite. I think I am in love. And yet, the mere owning up to this statement physically hurts me…

He treats me like a queen, he is an attentive partner and lover. I am appreciated, respected, taken care of and loved in a way I thought it wouldn’t be possible. And yet I close his lips tightly shut when I only see a sentence with the “l-word” coming on. I am scared to fall again, to lose myself in this feeling, become vulnerable and eventually have my heart broken once again.

The first week I was able to ward off unwanted feelings by reminding myself that he is no hunk, much older than me, and a sarcastic asshole. But after that, I surrendered to him, because he lulled me into a pink, cloudy bubble of love with his ways.

I’ve been there before. A whirlwind romance is something really dangerous. Big feelings, great sex and spontaneous adventures give you the illusion that he is THE ONE. You want to marry him, give him all your worldy possessions and tattoo his name on your butt. And then you crash when it ends. Hard. So hard, you feel your heart is finally broken beyond repair. 

John and I came to the conclusion that we let things unfold slowly though. He is really great that way, he gives me a lot of space and he is not jealous at all. He allows me to see my guy friends. He’s so great, I actually am contemplating putting a tattoo on my butt. Maybe not with his name but something to remember him by.

At the moment we don’t define our relationship. We are not officially together. And that is what we both need right now. Strictly speaking, he is still engaged (yes I know…) and I am still a committment-phobe. I need more time to decide whether I let my heart or my head make the final judgement here. Heart says, “I love him”, head says “he is not right for you”.

He is gone for a week to spend Christmas with his sons which will give me more time to wrap my head around this.

After my last serious relationship, I told myself not to date a man that much older than me again, with kids. And here I go again. Similar guy, similar situation. But I told myself I wont fall hard this time. I will put on my helmet in time to cushion the blow…

Man in town Celibacy out the window?

Oh man! So I’ve sworn myself to behave and practice the act of celibacy or sexual restraint and not get involved in any sexual acts whatsoever until the end of February 2013.

Problem? An ex-crush of mine is in town. Need I say more? It is so hard being strong when all you want to do is be bad. We actually never did the deed back then in the days when we first met. We were very good friends though and he knew me inside out and still does.

And now we have time. We been on two dates already, there were acts of romanticism on his part and date two ended with a short kiss good night. I wound myself like an eel in his arms to avoid his kissing me though. Why? I guess my body knows its not right. He is not the one for me. And yet my heart is jumping sideways thinking about him. Being with him.

This situation is quite unbearable. Why I don’t want to get involved? Reason one: there is another woman and I don’t want to be a home-wrecker. Reason two: he has rough ways about him like being sarcastic and sometimes rude when I’m coming too close. It hurts me. Reason three: he is quite big. Yeah yeah, I’m not a model myself so why worry, right? I find him extremely attractive so I guess the body doesn’t matter too much. I have been accused of being too superficial one too many times so perhaps this is my time to prove all these critics wrong.

I will continue to see him. My plan of action; get to know him first and go on innocent dates. Be with him. I just can’t wrap my head around how to allow my heart to deal with him. I’m confused, but I’m sticking to my plan of celibacy. For now.

Celebrating Celibacy

Picture this – a lonely, young girl, thrown into the midst of post-adolescent hormones and mid-cycle heat.

It is Friday night – It was a long, sticky day. The night breeze is refreshing. A sense of adventure and sweet feel-good vibes fill the air… And then… She wakes up. Suddenly shaken from her hot, sweaty mood and catapulted into the cold reality of singledom where getting satisfied means playing STI russian roulette with a stranger.

So I want love, skin contact and the occassional tete a tete. Do I get it? yes I DID. Until now though it meant nothing. It was readily given by men who did not know me, my fears, my strengths or dreams. So – after been left feeling empty one too many times following one-night-stands and brief affairs or day dreaming of the steamy gym trainer or my secret office crush while nearly crushing the vibrating object in my hand (sorry for being so direct) I have made a decision. No sex the next three months! I mean no blow jobs, hand jobs, masturbation, erotic movies, no wet dreams or day dreams or any sex-related thoughts. Three months of concentrating on my career, my friends and my fun. I hereby pledge celibacy until the last day of February 2013 has arrived. This is my promise. My motif? To eventually regard and use sex in a healthy way and hopefully curb the everlasting flame in my belly.

I figured starving a flame off oxygen will eventually kill it… Here is hoping

Coming Home

Today was a long day. I was on my (high-heeled clad) feet for most of the sun-filled hours of the day. This has left my temples pumping, my eyes itching and my feet hurting like a b#@ch.

Hours before coming home I was envisioning the comforting safety of my heavenly bed and a warm cup of tea with honey. So here I am right now, by myself, tea in hand, browsing the news and some hilarious blogs when a thought strikes me out of the blue:

I am alone. Huh? Right away, my subconscious responds in an attempt to straighten out this hideous “idea”: YOU frigging chose to be ALONE, you moron!!!
(Yes I talk to myself. Creepy? Nah uh. We all do it, admit it already!)

So then something else weird happens. There is a sense that I would LIKE to have someone with me right now, sharing my privacy, even if that meant he would see me in my hideous pj-ensemble. I know, it doesn’t seem to be such an abnormal feeling for most women – but for me – it’s like finding out my mother is in fact f@#*ing my ex-boyfriend (which unluckily actually did happen in the past).

A revelation like that is a huge shocker for an independent-and-loving-it kinda girl like me.

I would love to give up my favourite soapy for the evening if that meant I had someone rub my shoulders, run a bath or wash the dishes for me on days like these when coming home to an empty apartment seems a heartless experience…

40-and-never-been-married

I think I have just read the most depressing article that a single girl can get her hands on:

The lonely legacy of my Sex And The City lifestyle

You can find it here

The article describes the account of a single woman, who spent most of her life leading the single lifestyle. Why? Because she could. Because she was financially independent, liked to indulge once in a while and do the things she wanted to do, without having to compromise.

Now, to me, that is something that I am striving towards.
Problem: she is in her mid-40s now and it becomes increasingly difficult to find a man. Children are out of the question.

The thing is, I WANT to settle down. I WANT to have two or three kids and yes, I would be willing to compromise in order to find domestic bliss like that.

It’s true, I make fun of my settled down friends, how they are being domesticated like pets, stuck in an unforgiving cage of relationship boundaries. And yes, I love coming home to my appartment, where I can relax after a long day, watching my favourite series and not having a fit over someone else’s dirty dishes lying around. BUT I always pictured myself a mom and wife. Not now, but sometime in the future. I just haven’t felt ready yet.

But after reading the aforementioned article, I am beginning to wonder whether I am even cut out for a life like that, whether that moment will ever come, when I realize, I want to be married now and have children… I believe I will have to make certain changes and lay the ground work because family life is something I am striving towards. And when is the moment ever right?

It always seemed so easy when my parents told me about how they met, how they married, how they had children. It was natural and the time was right. I always imagined I would know when Mr Right would come along, that things would fall into place.

But times seemed to have changed. Many of my coupled up friends settled down by “just settling” with Mr Right Now, not Mr Right, because they felt it was time. Maybe I ought to do the same. I always said I’d rather be alone than with someone I don’t truly love and to this day I am still upholding this opinion. It seems, however, this kind of attitude lands you a VIP spot in the 40-and-never-been-married category.

Note to self: Be open, be bold. Frigging plan your future before you are too old.

 

Weak Men – Strong Women

Alright – so we have pretty much established my “status” in this cruel relationship-driven world we accept as our reality. My colleagues know, my family knows, my friends know, hell, even the guy in the little guard house overlooking my complex knows, I am, and have been, single, for a long, long time.

I am fully aware that I am young, fairly good-looking and stable. My life should be naturally progressing towards a life of two, maybe three in a few years time (if my pounding uterus is to believed), right? Wrong! Why? Because life isn’t a perfect Hollywood movie where the pretty, smart business gal always ends up with the sensitive alpha-male heartthrob. Women are now the bread winners and men increasingly become less desirable in my opinion.

Sound old fashioned and bitter? Yeah, probably. But I do not accept to settle for less than I want and need.  Now why am I saying this?

It all started weeks ago when friends of mine insisted I meet their cousin. 31, single, funny, good looking and sweet, I instantly liked him. We went on several “meetings” together. Dinner, dancing, a drink. Nothing too fancy that would scream the scary and often too easily used term “date”. (That word is so 1955 anyway. Nowadays we meet up, decide we like each other and then have sex if the evening went well. It’s got little in common with the dinner-and-kiss-goodbye scenarios we heard of in our parents’ tell-all moments or in aforementioned Hollywood movies.)

The “meetings” went well. We spent some time together, covered important personal details such as childhood, future hopes and dreams. There were moments of touching, flirting but it never went further, and I think I know why. I was too dominant. I voiced my opinions openly, I walked in front, I drove the car, I freaking offered to pay the freaking bill. I might as well just cut his balls off… un-freaking-believable. My mom once said that women in our family suppress weak men. She was so right. I like being who I am, but I guess the poor lad was a little overwhelmed.

Needless to say, it didn’t work out between us. I guess it’s for the better anyway. I am strong, outspoken and independent, and I need someone who actually LIKES these characteristics and doesn’t feel threatened by them. Yeah I know it’s gross. I know many men who exclusively go for needy and broken so they can feel like men again once they offer whatever little testosterone-driven gestures they have left in them.

But I need and want more than that. I want someone who insists on paying the bill, who will yank the car keys out of my hand when I had one too many to drink and who will treat my best friend like his own sister, not a possible sexual partner. Someone who tries to impress my parents and insists on having a better job than me. Someone who will allow me enough space to be all I can be but defines boundaries to let me know where I belong.

I shall keep up my single status until the day I have met someone like that. I just wish the world would take a chill pill and accept that.

Saying good-bye to the party scene – for now

Wow look at that – so much time elapsed and not a single post. Why? Maybe because I haven’t been obsessing over men like I have in the past. What went on the past few weeks:

I went out a lot.

To a normal girl’s standard this would probably mean every day of the week. No, I mean I was out every weekend (and that is A LOT for me).

Met man after man. Danced, sang, had the time of my life.

The result of that? Nothing but a lighter wallet. Everything else stayed the same. i.e. I am still single. Why?

a.) Because I partly went out with my amazingly beautiful best friend who always scored, while I didn’t. Think I’m exaggerating? Honey, I’m too straight forward and pragmatic for that. If you are offered a shiny red apple and a green one with brown spots. You will go for the red one. Even though the green one might be yummy too.

b.) Partly it is because I am not a one night stand type of person. The one thing that I heard more than any other lie while painting the town was: I like you, I wanna take you home, I will be in the city for only a few more days and then I will go back to my home country overseas/to the other end of the country/ some remote place where I am unreachable (insert as required). I guess you don’t have to have Einstein’s IQ to know what that means: “F@#k me then f@#king leave me alone and don’t stalk me you crazy bi@#h!”

I guess my chances of meeting someone are better if I expose myself to the world rather than sitting at home like I am doing right now writing by my lonesome self to a general public I don’t even personally know.

But I think the party scene has seen enough of me for now. Time to find something new to tickle my fancy.

 

The Relationship Scare

Even though my preferred area of residence lies in the big city, I occasionally like to return to my roots and visit my little home town 100 km’s outside of my beloved metropolitan area.

Yes, I grow and change constantly but somehow the fact that people in my home town might do the same, completely passes me by. You can possibly relate to the frights I perceive when previous high school class mates have suddenly given birth to a litter of mini-me’s or married seemingly sudden after having known their groom for a few months only. I guess we all go through that.

These kinds of news are nothing, NOTHING, compared to an ex boyfriend suddenly dating one of your friends. How the hell do they even know each other?! They are so different, went to different schools, go to different hang outs, have different views of life and are generally as similar as night and day.

And then it dawned on me. They are living in a crowded, compressed space. Even though people might have different areas of interest, chances are good their tiny town pathways may cross sometime in their lives. Plus with sites such as Facebook, networking is that much easier. And let’s be honest, there isn’t that much choice in a small town like that. If you have slept with one or two men in town, you technically slept with all inhabitants.

So after I have disgested these news, all that was left for me was to wish the new couple all the happiness in the world and move on with my life. Just because it didn’t work out between him and me, doesn’t mean he couldn’t be HER Mr Right…