Today marked a milestone in my newly found single existence. I believe i heard the famous ball drop literally somewhere when I openly admitted to a guy that i wasnt into him.
What is so special about this scenario you say?
Picture pre-relationship me. Single, restless, hoOpenpeful, loveless but ever so accomodating, i’ve made it my mission to find somebody and unfortunately dropped my standards and went out with a couple of men i should have never gone out in the first place. It is hard enough to find a match, we shouldnt get hung up on some details right? wrong! BECAUSE ladies, we deserve to be with a man who we truly admire, emotionally, physcially, mentally. I dont want to find myself in a situation when i have to tell someone I’m not into him a couple of weeks (or god forbid months) down the line. Got the t-shirt, and it aint pretty…
But let me back up a bit and explain about today.
Picture newly single me, heart still healing, in an apartment that is too big for me with a certain finger condition called “i’m so used to texting my bf and now that he is my ex, i’m missing being in contact with someone”So what do i do? i go back to chatrooms. BECAUSE it’s the easiest way to find new people and have a chat with them – no strings attached. And for one more reason.
Tim was a funny, loyal, honest and charming 32-year old fella whom i met a day after signing up to aforementioned chatroom. He pushed to meet up, even though i wasnt too sure that was what i wanted already. 1 week and a half later and my ex’s ex-affair now girlfriend newly found bliss still gives me a sour taste in my mouth so i decided to go the same route and get him back. Childish? probably so. When tim proposed to meet up the same night i didnt veto a meeting but postponed to the next day.
What i was expecting?
Good company, a snog, possibly sex. Yeah i know, i know. Too soon, too sexually risky bla bla bla. BUT – i needed to know. I needed to know if i could still be admired. We met today. For a walk. I was my usual striking self – and he didnt miss to compliment me several times. He even touched me, held me… He wanted it. By the time we walked back from our path i knew one thing however; this will never work. Why?
several reasons: He had 2 kids, he came from another state, he was chubby, he wore shorts and his hands were unattractive. My anti-type for short. Kids never before bothered me but they do now. Clean slate, clean everything. Next relationship will be a clean one (and it feels like it will be soon…).anyway, while Tim was making small talk i took a closer look several times and noticed the above mentioned icky parts plus he had a puss-filled something on his cheek, his hairline was receding and his butt was bigger than mine. Dont get me wrong, he was really sweet but sweet aint cutting it right now. I want pure, animalistic sexual attraction. SO i told him it wont work, short and relatively painless. I thought he would take it well. But he couldnt swallow it.
We walked back to the car in silence (and man it was a long walk) while i tried to comfort him a little but he wouldnt say a word. When it became time to part, i expected a brief kiss or hug or handshake or anything. But he just broke away from me and quietly walked to the other side of the street. And that was it. Ego busted.
Even though i felt bad for him, i felt better about myself. I was true to what i wanted. And it was the right thing to do. The last thing i would need now is a pity fuck. Although any fuck in general would really be nice right about now. I miss the company.
Tonight i’m going out. I’m having all the intention in the world to meet somebody new. I’m not ready for the full blown thing yet, but someone would be great. A friend. With benefits. Amen. Thanks for listening.
Single Strife to Happiness 