Whirlwind Romance or The Real Deal?

It has been three weeks. Three weeks of dinners, drinks, romantic sunsets, late night cruises and many, many kisses. John and I have been seeing each other and the world has started to turn in a different way. Days seem brighter, life more rich, smells are more intense and my stomach churns in a way that takes away my breath and my appetite. I think I am in love. And yet, the mere owning up to this statement physically hurts me…

He treats me like a queen, he is an attentive partner and lover. I am appreciated, respected, taken care of and loved in a way I thought it wouldn’t be possible. And yet I close his lips tightly shut when I only see a sentence with the “l-word” coming on. I am scared to fall again, to lose myself in this feeling, become vulnerable and eventually have my heart broken once again.

The first week I was able to ward off unwanted feelings by reminding myself that he is no hunk, much older than me, and a sarcastic asshole. But after that, I surrendered to him, because he lulled me into a pink, cloudy bubble of love with his ways.

I’ve been there before. A whirlwind romance is something really dangerous. Big feelings, great sex and spontaneous adventures give you the illusion that he is THE ONE. You want to marry him, give him all your worldy possessions and tattoo his name on your butt. And then you crash when it ends. Hard. So hard, you feel your heart is finally broken beyond repair. 

John and I came to the conclusion that we let things unfold slowly though. He is really great that way, he gives me a lot of space and he is not jealous at all. He allows me to see my guy friends. He’s so great, I actually am contemplating putting a tattoo on my butt. Maybe not with his name but something to remember him by.

At the moment we don’t define our relationship. We are not officially together. And that is what we both need right now. Strictly speaking, he is still engaged (yes I know…) and I am still a committment-phobe. I need more time to decide whether I let my heart or my head make the final judgement here. Heart says, “I love him”, head says “he is not right for you”.

He is gone for a week to spend Christmas with his sons which will give me more time to wrap my head around this.

After my last serious relationship, I told myself not to date a man that much older than me again, with kids. And here I go again. Similar guy, similar situation. But I told myself I wont fall hard this time. I will put on my helmet in time to cushion the blow…

Man in town Celibacy out the window?

Oh man! So I’ve sworn myself to behave and practice the act of celibacy or sexual restraint and not get involved in any sexual acts whatsoever until the end of February 2013.

Problem? An ex-crush of mine is in town. Need I say more? It is so hard being strong when all you want to do is be bad. We actually never did the deed back then in the days when we first met. We were very good friends though and he knew me inside out and still does.

And now we have time. We been on two dates already, there were acts of romanticism on his part and date two ended with a short kiss good night. I wound myself like an eel in his arms to avoid his kissing me though. Why? I guess my body knows its not right. He is not the one for me. And yet my heart is jumping sideways thinking about him. Being with him.

This situation is quite unbearable. Why I don’t want to get involved? Reason one: there is another woman and I don’t want to be a home-wrecker. Reason two: he has rough ways about him like being sarcastic and sometimes rude when I’m coming too close. It hurts me. Reason three: he is quite big. Yeah yeah, I’m not a model myself so why worry, right? I find him extremely attractive so I guess the body doesn’t matter too much. I have been accused of being too superficial one too many times so perhaps this is my time to prove all these critics wrong.

I will continue to see him. My plan of action; get to know him first and go on innocent dates. Be with him. I just can’t wrap my head around how to allow my heart to deal with him. I’m confused, but I’m sticking to my plan of celibacy. For now.

Celebrating Celibacy

Picture this – a lonely, young girl, thrown into the midst of post-adolescent hormones and mid-cycle heat.

It is Friday night – It was a long, sticky day. The night breeze is refreshing. A sense of adventure and sweet feel-good vibes fill the air… And then… She wakes up. Suddenly shaken from her hot, sweaty mood and catapulted into the cold reality of singledom where getting satisfied means playing STI russian roulette with a stranger.

So I want love, skin contact and the occassional tete a tete. Do I get it? yes I DID. Until now though it meant nothing. It was readily given by men who did not know me, my fears, my strengths or dreams. So – after been left feeling empty one too many times following one-night-stands and brief affairs or day dreaming of the steamy gym trainer or my secret office crush while nearly crushing the vibrating object in my hand (sorry for being so direct) I have made a decision. No sex the next three months! I mean no blow jobs, hand jobs, masturbation, erotic movies, no wet dreams or day dreams or any sex-related thoughts. Three months of concentrating on my career, my friends and my fun. I hereby pledge celibacy until the last day of February 2013 has arrived. This is my promise. My motif? To eventually regard and use sex in a healthy way and hopefully curb the everlasting flame in my belly.

I figured starving a flame off oxygen will eventually kill it… Here is hoping