It has been three weeks. Three weeks of dinners, drinks, romantic sunsets, late night cruises and many, many kisses. John and I have been seeing each other and the world has started to turn in a different way. Days seem brighter, life more rich, smells are more intense and my stomach churns in a way that takes away my breath and my appetite. I think I am in love. And yet, the mere owning up to this statement physically hurts me…
He treats me like a queen, he is an attentive partner and lover. I am appreciated, respected, taken care of and loved in a way I thought it wouldn’t be possible. And yet I close his lips tightly shut when I only see a sentence with the “l-word” coming on. I am scared to fall again, to lose myself in this feeling, become vulnerable and eventually have my heart broken once again.
The first week I was able to ward off unwanted feelings by reminding myself that he is no hunk, much older than me, and a sarcastic asshole. But after that, I surrendered to him, because he lulled me into a pink, cloudy bubble of love with his ways.
I’ve been there before. A whirlwind romance is something really dangerous. Big feelings, great sex and spontaneous adventures give you the illusion that he is THE ONE. You want to marry him, give him all your worldy possessions and tattoo his name on your butt. And then you crash when it ends. Hard. So hard, you feel your heart is finally broken beyond repair.
John and I came to the conclusion that we let things unfold slowly though. He is really great that way, he gives me a lot of space and he is not jealous at all. He allows me to see my guy friends. He’s so great, I actually am contemplating putting a tattoo on my butt. Maybe not with his name but something to remember him by.
At the moment we don’t define our relationship. We are not officially together. And that is what we both need right now. Strictly speaking, he is still engaged (yes I know…) and I am still a committment-phobe. I need more time to decide whether I let my heart or my head make the final judgement here. Heart says, “I love him”, head says “he is not right for you”.
He is gone for a week to spend Christmas with his sons which will give me more time to wrap my head around this.
After my last serious relationship, I told myself not to date a man that much older than me again, with kids. And here I go again. Similar guy, similar situation. But I told myself I wont fall hard this time. I will put on my helmet in time to cushion the blow…
Single Strife to Happiness 