Coming Home

Today was a long day. I was on my (high-heeled clad) feet for most of the sun-filled hours of the day. This has left my temples pumping, my eyes itching and my feet hurting like a b#@ch.

Hours before coming home I was envisioning the comforting safety of my heavenly bed and a warm cup of tea with honey. So here I am right now, by myself, tea in hand, browsing the news and some hilarious blogs when a thought strikes me out of the blue:

I am alone. Huh? Right away, my subconscious responds in an attempt to straighten out this hideous “idea”: YOU frigging chose to be ALONE, you moron!!!
(Yes I talk to myself. Creepy? Nah uh. We all do it, admit it already!)

So then something else weird happens. There is a sense that I would LIKE to have someone with me right now, sharing my privacy, even if that meant he would see me in my hideous pj-ensemble. I know, it doesn’t seem to be such an abnormal feeling for most women – but for me – it’s like finding out my mother is in fact f@#*ing my ex-boyfriend (which unluckily actually did happen in the past).

A revelation like that is a huge shocker for an independent-and-loving-it kinda girl like me.

I would love to give up my favourite soapy for the evening if that meant I had someone rub my shoulders, run a bath or wash the dishes for me on days like these when coming home to an empty apartment seems a heartless experience…

40-and-never-been-married

I think I have just read the most depressing article that a single girl can get her hands on:

The lonely legacy of my Sex And The City lifestyle

You can find it here

The article describes the account of a single woman, who spent most of her life leading the single lifestyle. Why? Because she could. Because she was financially independent, liked to indulge once in a while and do the things she wanted to do, without having to compromise.

Now, to me, that is something that I am striving towards.
Problem: she is in her mid-40s now and it becomes increasingly difficult to find a man. Children are out of the question.

The thing is, I WANT to settle down. I WANT to have two or three kids and yes, I would be willing to compromise in order to find domestic bliss like that.

It’s true, I make fun of my settled down friends, how they are being domesticated like pets, stuck in an unforgiving cage of relationship boundaries. And yes, I love coming home to my appartment, where I can relax after a long day, watching my favourite series and not having a fit over someone else’s dirty dishes lying around. BUT I always pictured myself a mom and wife. Not now, but sometime in the future. I just haven’t felt ready yet.

But after reading the aforementioned article, I am beginning to wonder whether I am even cut out for a life like that, whether that moment will ever come, when I realize, I want to be married now and have children… I believe I will have to make certain changes and lay the ground work because family life is something I am striving towards. And when is the moment ever right?

It always seemed so easy when my parents told me about how they met, how they married, how they had children. It was natural and the time was right. I always imagined I would know when Mr Right would come along, that things would fall into place.

But times seemed to have changed. Many of my coupled up friends settled down by “just settling” with Mr Right Now, not Mr Right, because they felt it was time. Maybe I ought to do the same. I always said I’d rather be alone than with someone I don’t truly love and to this day I am still upholding this opinion. It seems, however, this kind of attitude lands you a VIP spot in the 40-and-never-been-married category.

Note to self: Be open, be bold. Frigging plan your future before you are too old.

 

Weak Men – Strong Women

Alright – so we have pretty much established my “status” in this cruel relationship-driven world we accept as our reality. My colleagues know, my family knows, my friends know, hell, even the guy in the little guard house overlooking my complex knows, I am, and have been, single, for a long, long time.

I am fully aware that I am young, fairly good-looking and stable. My life should be naturally progressing towards a life of two, maybe three in a few years time (if my pounding uterus is to believed), right? Wrong! Why? Because life isn’t a perfect Hollywood movie where the pretty, smart business gal always ends up with the sensitive alpha-male heartthrob. Women are now the bread winners and men increasingly become less desirable in my opinion.

Sound old fashioned and bitter? Yeah, probably. But I do not accept to settle for less than I want and need.  Now why am I saying this?

It all started weeks ago when friends of mine insisted I meet their cousin. 31, single, funny, good looking and sweet, I instantly liked him. We went on several “meetings” together. Dinner, dancing, a drink. Nothing too fancy that would scream the scary and often too easily used term “date”. (That word is so 1955 anyway. Nowadays we meet up, decide we like each other and then have sex if the evening went well. It’s got little in common with the dinner-and-kiss-goodbye scenarios we heard of in our parents’ tell-all moments or in aforementioned Hollywood movies.)

The “meetings” went well. We spent some time together, covered important personal details such as childhood, future hopes and dreams. There were moments of touching, flirting but it never went further, and I think I know why. I was too dominant. I voiced my opinions openly, I walked in front, I drove the car, I freaking offered to pay the freaking bill. I might as well just cut his balls off… un-freaking-believable. My mom once said that women in our family suppress weak men. She was so right. I like being who I am, but I guess the poor lad was a little overwhelmed.

Needless to say, it didn’t work out between us. I guess it’s for the better anyway. I am strong, outspoken and independent, and I need someone who actually LIKES these characteristics and doesn’t feel threatened by them. Yeah I know it’s gross. I know many men who exclusively go for needy and broken so they can feel like men again once they offer whatever little testosterone-driven gestures they have left in them.

But I need and want more than that. I want someone who insists on paying the bill, who will yank the car keys out of my hand when I had one too many to drink and who will treat my best friend like his own sister, not a possible sexual partner. Someone who tries to impress my parents and insists on having a better job than me. Someone who will allow me enough space to be all I can be but defines boundaries to let me know where I belong.

I shall keep up my single status until the day I have met someone like that. I just wish the world would take a chill pill and accept that.

Saying good-bye to the party scene – for now

Wow look at that – so much time elapsed and not a single post. Why? Maybe because I haven’t been obsessing over men like I have in the past. What went on the past few weeks:

I went out a lot.

To a normal girl’s standard this would probably mean every day of the week. No, I mean I was out every weekend (and that is A LOT for me).

Met man after man. Danced, sang, had the time of my life.

The result of that? Nothing but a lighter wallet. Everything else stayed the same. i.e. I am still single. Why?

a.) Because I partly went out with my amazingly beautiful best friend who always scored, while I didn’t. Think I’m exaggerating? Honey, I’m too straight forward and pragmatic for that. If you are offered a shiny red apple and a green one with brown spots. You will go for the red one. Even though the green one might be yummy too.

b.) Partly it is because I am not a one night stand type of person. The one thing that I heard more than any other lie while painting the town was: I like you, I wanna take you home, I will be in the city for only a few more days and then I will go back to my home country overseas/to the other end of the country/ some remote place where I am unreachable (insert as required). I guess you don’t have to have Einstein’s IQ to know what that means: “F@#k me then f@#king leave me alone and don’t stalk me you crazy bi@#h!”

I guess my chances of meeting someone are better if I expose myself to the world rather than sitting at home like I am doing right now writing by my lonesome self to a general public I don’t even personally know.

But I think the party scene has seen enough of me for now. Time to find something new to tickle my fancy.