An Honest Approach: I’m Just Not That Into Him

Today marked a milestone in my newly found single existence. I believe i heard the famous ball drop literally somewhere when I openly admitted to a guy that i wasnt into him.

What is so special about this scenario you say?

Picture pre-relationship me. Single, restless, hoOpenpeful, loveless but ever so accomodating, i’ve made it my mission to find somebody and unfortunately dropped my standards and went out with a couple of men i should have never gone out in the first place. It is hard enough to find a match, we shouldnt get hung up on some details right? wrong! BECAUSE ladies, we deserve to be with a man who we truly admire, emotionally, physcially, mentally. I dont want to find myself in a situation when i have to tell someone I’m not into him a couple of weeks (or god forbid months) down the line. Got the t-shirt, and it aint pretty…

But let me back up a bit and explain about today.

Picture newly single me, heart still healing, in an apartment that is too big for me with a certain finger condition called “i’m so used to texting my bf and now that he is my ex, i’m missing being in contact with someone”So what do i do? i go back to chatrooms. BECAUSE it’s the easiest way to find new people and have a chat with them – no strings attached. And for one more reason.

Tim was a funny, loyal, honest and charming 32-year old fella whom i met a day after signing up to aforementioned chatroom. He pushed to meet up, even though i wasnt too sure that was what i wanted already. 1 week and a half later and my ex’s ex-affair now girlfriend newly found bliss still gives me a sour taste in my mouth so i decided to go the same route and get him back. Childish? probably so. When tim proposed to meet up the same night i didnt veto a meeting but postponed to the next day.

What i was expecting?

Good company, a snog, possibly sex. Yeah i know, i know. Too soon, too sexually risky bla bla bla. BUT – i needed to know. I needed to know if i could still be admired. We met today. For a walk. I was my usual striking self – and he didnt miss to compliment me several times. He even touched me, held me… He wanted it. By the time we walked back from our path i knew one thing however; this will never work. Why?

several reasons: He had 2 kids, he came from another state, he was chubby, he wore shorts and his hands were unattractive. My anti-type for short. Kids never before bothered me but they do now. Clean slate, clean everything. Next relationship will be a clean one (and it feels like it will be soon…).anyway, while Tim was making small talk i took a closer look several times and noticed the above mentioned icky parts plus he had a puss-filled something on his cheek, his hairline was receding and his butt was bigger than mine. Dont get me wrong, he was really sweet but sweet aint cutting it right now. I want pure, animalistic sexual attraction. SO i told him it wont work, short and relatively painless. I thought he would take it well. But he couldnt swallow it.

We walked back to the car in silence (and man it was a long walk) while i tried to comfort him a little but he wouldnt say a word. When it became time to part, i expected a brief kiss or hug or handshake or anything. But he just broke away from me and quietly walked to the other side of the street. And that was it. Ego busted.

Even though i felt bad for him, i felt better about myself. I was true to what i wanted. And it was the right thing to do. The last thing i would need now is a pity fuck. Although any fuck in general would really be nice right about now. I miss the company.

Tonight i’m going out. I’m having all the intention in the world to meet somebody new. I’m not ready for the full blown thing yet, but someone would be great. A friend. With benefits. Amen. Thanks for listening.

 

 

Another one bites the dust

I know I have mentioned him in the past. I am writing this without having gone back, reminding me about my past feelings about him. The fire, the confusion, the deep, deep connection, the first real love of my life, the heartbreak, the acceptance. It’s all in the past now… and another one bites the dust.

How I feel now? Still in turmoil and at the end of an era, I’m only thinking about getting my life back. Sorted and routine. I’ve never been one for too much uncertainty. He needs to leave my life entirely, only then will I be free.

In my heart I feel that the door has been closed. Mr Right Now has left the building for good. And that this is right. Everything worked out the way I prayed it would. I was yearning, I was heard, I was loved, right now became right then and it needed to stop. He cheated. I can’t really say I was surprised. We all do the best we can at all times. We do what we believe is right at any given time or space. And so did he.

And now I will go back to the way I used to be; STRONG, INDEPENDENT, ME, lonely, without direction, a day dreamer. I’m so scared but I feel a sense of a relief and a tinge of hope. Hope, that I will take what I’ve learnt and put it to good use. He taught me many a-things. Virtues, which I never had, developed and I finally became the lover I always hoped I could be one day. The die-hard single girl became the committed, selfless, loving relationship girl. And I thank him for that. He laid a foundation I missed all these years…

I really don’t know what the future will bring. But I now know myself better, the things that I want and the things that I don’t. I’m ready to start from the beginning.

And for some reason I also feel that whatever lies at the end of the tunnel for me; it will be good and tailor-made for me. This whole time I was waiting for my “purpose”, my “direction in life”. What I have missed however is that life is now. That every day that begins, new possibilities and directions lay before me, ready to be ceased. I was looking for something I could never quite find. Maybe I looked at the wrong place. What I’m looking for is not outside of my very being, but is sitting right at its centre; ready to be discovered. All I need to do is to allow and discover it….