I know I have mentioned him in the past. I am writing this without having gone back, reminding me about my past feelings about him. The fire, the confusion, the deep, deep connection, the first real love of my life, the heartbreak, the acceptance. It’s all in the past now… and another one bites the dust.
How I feel now? Still in turmoil and at the end of an era, I’m only thinking about getting my life back. Sorted and routine. I’ve never been one for too much uncertainty. He needs to leave my life entirely, only then will I be free.
In my heart I feel that the door has been closed. Mr Right Now has left the building for good. And that this is right. Everything worked out the way I prayed it would. I was yearning, I was heard, I was loved, right now became right then and it needed to stop. He cheated. I can’t really say I was surprised. We all do the best we can at all times. We do what we believe is right at any given time or space. And so did he.
And now I will go back to the way I used to be; STRONG, INDEPENDENT, ME, lonely, without direction, a day dreamer. I’m so scared but I feel a sense of a relief and a tinge of hope. Hope, that I will take what I’ve learnt and put it to good use. He taught me many a-things. Virtues, which I never had, developed and I finally became the lover I always hoped I could be one day. The die-hard single girl became the committed, selfless, loving relationship girl. And I thank him for that. He laid a foundation I missed all these years…
I really don’t know what the future will bring. But I now know myself better, the things that I want and the things that I don’t. I’m ready to start from the beginning.
And for some reason I also feel that whatever lies at the end of the tunnel for me; it will be good and tailor-made for me. This whole time I was waiting for my “purpose”, my “direction in life”. What I have missed however is that life is now. That every day that begins, new possibilities and directions lay before me, ready to be ceased. I was looking for something I could never quite find. Maybe I looked at the wrong place. What I’m looking for is not outside of my very being, but is sitting right at its centre; ready to be discovered. All I need to do is to allow and discover it….
Single Strife to Happiness 