Another one bites the dust

I know I have mentioned him in the past. I am writing this without having gone back, reminding me about my past feelings about him. The fire, the confusion, the deep, deep connection, the first real love of my life, the heartbreak, the acceptance. It’s all in the past now… and another one bites the dust.

How I feel now? Still in turmoil and at the end of an era, I’m only thinking about getting my life back. Sorted and routine. I’ve never been one for too much uncertainty. He needs to leave my life entirely, only then will I be free.

In my heart I feel that the door has been closed. Mr Right Now has left the building for good. And that this is right. Everything worked out the way I prayed it would. I was yearning, I was heard, I was loved, right now became right then and it needed to stop. He cheated. I can’t really say I was surprised. We all do the best we can at all times. We do what we believe is right at any given time or space. And so did he.

And now I will go back to the way I used to be; STRONG, INDEPENDENT, ME, lonely, without direction, a day dreamer. I’m so scared but I feel a sense of a relief and a tinge of hope. Hope, that I will take what I’ve learnt and put it to good use. He taught me many a-things. Virtues, which I never had, developed and I finally became the lover I always hoped I could be one day. The die-hard single girl became the committed, selfless, loving relationship girl. And I thank him for that. He laid a foundation I missed all these years…

I really don’t know what the future will bring. But I now know myself better, the things that I want and the things that I don’t. I’m ready to start from the beginning.

And for some reason I also feel that whatever lies at the end of the tunnel for me; it will be good and tailor-made for me. This whole time I was waiting for my “purpose”, my “direction in life”. What I have missed however is that life is now. That every day that begins, new possibilities and directions lay before me, ready to be ceased. I was looking for something I could never quite find. Maybe I looked at the wrong place. What I’m looking for is not outside of my very being, but is sitting right at its centre; ready to be discovered. All I need to do is to allow and discover it….

 

 

The Relationship Scare

Even though my preferred area of residence lies in the big city, I occasionally like to return to my roots and visit my little home town 100 km’s outside of my beloved metropolitan area.

Yes, I grow and change constantly but somehow the fact that people in my home town might do the same, completely passes me by. You can possibly relate to the frights I perceive when previous high school class mates have suddenly given birth to a litter of mini-me’s or married seemingly sudden after having known their groom for a few months only. I guess we all go through that.

These kinds of news are nothing, NOTHING, compared to an ex boyfriend suddenly dating one of your friends. How the hell do they even know each other?! They are so different, went to different schools, go to different hang outs, have different views of life and are generally as similar as night and day.

And then it dawned on me. They are living in a crowded, compressed space. Even though people might have different areas of interest, chances are good their tiny town pathways may cross sometime in their lives. Plus with sites such as Facebook, networking is that much easier. And let’s be honest, there isn’t that much choice in a small town like that. If you have slept with one or two men in town, you technically slept with all inhabitants.

So after I have disgested these news, all that was left for me was to wish the new couple all the happiness in the world and move on with my life. Just because it didn’t work out between him and me, doesn’t mean he couldn’t be HER Mr Right…

The X Files

This is something that concerns single girls and taken ones alike: The ex. I am not talking about just any ex, no, the one that got away. We think about him when “our” song plays, certain scenarios or environments trigger good memories together or when friends and family once again mention him followed by a grunt and a comment somewhere along the lines of “be happy you are rid of him, you are too good for him” bla bla bla.

We know this; we have been there when the break up happened. It doesn’t matter who did the dirty deed – the relationship had ended. But every so often we find ourselves reminiscing about this person as if he was one of our favourite childhood memories. What is he doing now? Or WHO is he doing now? Sometimes these questions get answered when we bump into him walking on the street with his new wife, clutching his newly-born baby or, in my case, when he sends you a birthday wish after what feels like 20 years, though it might have only been months apart. And there it is, staring you right into the face. Your past, sneakily hiding itself in the form of a social convention and opening up old boxes long dusty in the back of your mind.

What to do? If you don’t say anything you will forever be known as the bitch ex, who hates men. But if you do say something, you might end up reconnecting. Eeekkk. And that’s where my problem started. I know I shouldn’t have pushed that reply button, and yet I did. How I wished he wouldn’t respond. How I wished he did. Love matters are fickle things. Well my ex file turned out to be talkative that day and DID open up quite easily. And so a dialogue started. My conclusion at the end of the day: Thank goodness we broke up! Now I know why we did and know it was for the better. It doesn’t matter how good our past was, how many good memories we shared or how well I thought we fit together. The break up was inevitable and would have happened sooner or later.

Some couples might reconnect after meeting again years later and even marry. But I am not a supporter of this movement. If something is broken, you can try to fix it, but it will never be as good as new. And if the foundation has cracked, the downfall is near.

What have I learnt from the x files? Let the past be the past, if it didn’t work out, there probably was a reason. All I have now is a heart with broken stitches and the crippling realization that I am still single. Again, I am rather alone than with someone who is not right for me. It’s just sometimes really hard to stand your ground when you stand all by your lonesome self…